Gratitude.

 Whewwwwwwwwwww......... I made it! I don't know why I am so excited about saying that but given this year it just feels right. I have felt immense gratitude and joy throughout the day because I made it. I survived 2020. Mind, Body, and Spirit intact. I don't take it lightly. I am aware of the immense suffering that has occurred around me and around the world but somehow, I managed, to move through this year steadily and intentionally. As I reflected on what I wanted to share in this final message of the year, my mind went a million places. Do I speak on hope? Do I talk about how setbacks are the setup for the comeback? Do I write about all the lessons that were affirmed and presented? So much swirling in this big brain of mine. Alas, all of these messages come back to the word 'Gratitude'. 

This year has been what I call a beautiful struggle. I entered the year with so much optimism. Having started my first business a few months priors and revving up to launch a second business a few months after. I was optimistic about the opportunity to walk in my purpose with purpose. I was optimistic about all the doors that would open, the planes that would be flown, the magic to be created and then it seemed like the universe said "nope, not yet". But yet I am leaving this year with so much optimism and for that I am grateful. 

I thought I would write a list of those that have shown up for me in significant ways but then realized that this would require longer reading for you. For those that have shown their light on my path so I could see in the dark, thank you. For those that sent loving words that affirmed me, thank you. For those that created a way for me to do this sacred work, thank you. For those that reminded me of faith and God, thank you. For those that honored the space I needed in order to do what I have been called to do, thank you. For those that trusted me to guide, support, and hold you accountable as you navigate your own journey, thank you. For those that have created the space for me to share my soul, my essence, my truth, without judgement, thank you. 

I am grateful for the people who's path intermingled with mine this year. I am grateful for the experiences. I am grateful for love. I am grateful for this life. I am grateful. 

With that being said, thank you 2020 for all that you brought, all that you have shown, all that you will leave and thank you 2021 for all that you will be. 

Cheers to a new year!

xo

Courtney

My mom was my first white ally

My mom was no-nonsense and direct. Sometimes a little too direct. She wasn't a fan of injustice and would have no issue speaking her mind about any injustice that she witnessed. It wasn't until I got older that I could fully appreciate this way about her and it isn't until now that I recognize that my mom was my first white ally.

When a majority of my mom's family shunned her for marrying an African-American man and having brown babies, she re-created family from friends that accepted her. Her mother called her a n*gger-lover and called her children n*ggers, rather than cower, she let her mother know that wasn't acceptable putting further strain on that relationship. When her sister-in-law tried to hide away her brown kids during one particular Thanksgiving holiday, she swiftly grabbed her kids and left (of course after letting them know in her own way why she was out...all this before the meal was served). When she realized that lower income girls of color were unable to participate in Girls Scouts, she shifted funds from more privileged (white) troop members to cover their fees (later leading to her removal as the scout leader). She advocated for rehabilitative and restorative justice programs for incarcerated youth which including bringing an urban rooftop garden to a youth incarceration facility and bringing programs like Girls Scouts, Boy Scouts, and other personal development programs exposing mostly youth of color to different experiences and then ensuring that access to those experiences can continue post-incarceration. The list goes on and I am really proud of what she did with her privilege and power as a white woman. Reflecting on things now, I realized that my mom was okay with giving up her privilege, her power, her access, her reputation, her comfort in order to level the playing field. So when I think of an ally that is what I think. When I think of an ally, I think of someone who is willing to get in the trenches put their own comfort, power, access on the line to advocate and support the rights of people of color (or those different from them).

My mom set the bar high for any and every white person I come across. It is because of her that I know it may be difficult but it's possible to work toward justice, equity, and equality for all.

                                                                        (My mom, brothers and I)

Stamina

Stamina (n) 'The ability to sustain prolonged physical or mental effort'

Messages come to me when I meditate. Today during meditation the word 'stamina' came up. It's not a regular part of my vocabulary and it's not something I think about often so when it came up I had to make time to reflect on what message this word was bringing to me. 

In less than a year I started 2 businesses. These businesses have been in the making for years and 2019 and 2020 were the years that I was blessed to birth them. It took me 8 years to bring my first business to fruition and 4 years to bring the second. In the 3 weeks since Corona lockdown began, I had to convince myself multiple times that what I chose to do was not a wrong decision. I had to convince myself that leaving my "secure" job to follow my calling was not a wrong decision and that launching a second business at the start of a global pandemic wasn't wrong either. My ego was telling me otherwise. 

The ego is tricky. It will have you believing half-truths and false realities to keep you from living your best life. My ego kept me from pursuing my passion and purpose 8 years ago. It also has kept me from fully embracing this entrepreneurial life I have now. Silencing the ego requires work. Consistent work. I have to work my thoughts in a way to counteract the thoughts produced by the ego. One slip up can send me over the edge in the wrong direction. 

Like many other small business owners, I had to pivot my priorities to better align with the needs of my clients and potential clients at this time. I have also realized that in my pivot, I could have easily caught myself up in the frenzy of taking advantage of this period to prematurely launch products, services, and information in order to capitalize on the moment. I chose not to because I believe in sustainability and I believe in self-care. I remind myself constantly that I am in this game for the long haul and there is no need to scale up or out before it's time. I have also watched other small business owners who chose to scale up to match the moment burn themselves out resulting in lost detail in their delivery and increasing apathy towards a business that was once a passion. 

Thinking of longevity business-wise has allowed for me to think about longevity personally. Our days aren't guaranteed but I refuse to allow those posts saying I need to come out of quarantine with new skills, hobbies, or I wasted this time from influencing my thought process. I refuse to let quarantine rush any aspect of my life. This is a marathon and not a sprint and rather fuel false starts and dead ends I plan to remain committed to my path, my process, and my timeline. 

Unsubscribe.

My partner is a knowledge consumer. He is constantly taking in information to learn about what's happening in the world around him. Unfortunately, when Corona Virus began to take flight, his knowledge consumption was right there with it. His constant watching and listening of the news was overwhelming. I'm not a big news person and watched it maybe 1-2 times a week prior to Corona. Within the first few days of the Corona Virus outbreak in the US, I felt like I was in a non-stop news cycle listening to the doom and gloom this virus brought. Although I like to be informed, I prefer to protect my spirit and the fear inciting news casts were not conducive to me upholding my personal peace. The more he consumed the more I leaned into my peace practice, negating fear-based thoughts with thoughts of protection and optimism. I know spiritually and energetically that this shift is much needed and although it's making us uncomfortable, the discomfort will hopefully create a new comfort for all.

Now that all sounds great on the surface but subconsciously and now consciously I recognize the experiences of those suffering from CV are similar to the experience my mom had when she was first diagnosed with lung cancer. Listening to the news stories of people on ventilators triggered the trauma I experienced with my mom's illness. It was on April 3rd, 2017 that I drove my mom to the ER when she had been having trouble breathing. It was late on April 3rd, 2017 when the doctors told me of my mom's diagnosis and it was early in the morning on April 4th, 2017 when they admitted my mom to the ICU, heavily sedated her, and connected her to a ventilator due to the massive tumor that collapsed her right lung. It was a few days later when the doctors explained that if she does not come off of the ventilator she runs the risk of developing pneumonia and other bacteria infections that could be deadly. I was informed that ventilators are not meant for long term use and if she is not successfully weaned off of hers, then we would need to make some hard decisions. Thankfully my mom wasn't having that and after a few tests with a bomb Respiratory Therapist she was breathing on her own with the help of oxygen (CPAP) machine. Having experienced this and knowing the shortcomings of a ventilator, it makes it difficult to hear about all the individuals on or in need of ventilators. My empathic nature just gets overwhelmed feeling what these individuals are going through and repeating the feelings that I went through with my mom. Being conscious of my own triggers and having to work through the emotions as a result, I know that unsubscribing to the constant news updates is imperative to maintaining my emotional health. I also know, that unsubscribing to other triggering messages, you know, the ones that are telling you that you are not doing enough, changing enough, or being enough, the messages that swarm our social media is in my case, the best thing I can do for myself. I remind myself daily that simply being me is enough and that this time is meant to be reflective and still and there's nothing I need to do other than being present and making most of the moments I have.

...And now that we are a few weeks into quarantine I am happy to share that my partner is no longer a news addict. He's beginning to recognize that the news is repeating the same fear based message only with larger numbers.

Is Corona coming for me?

Not in the physical sense of course. I would never wish that on anyone let alone myself. But I do feel like the CV is exposing some things and forcing me to look at others that I had been putting off, making excuses about, or simply ignoring. I am fully aware that this virus was not constructed solely to point out my shortcomings, but I can't help but feel that it's a personal attack exposing my complacency and at times lack of discipline.

I'm a Type A person. I like order, I like knowing, I like being prepared for whatever is coming my way. I love a good schedule and always tell myself that I have to create one. Since becoming self-employed, I have been creating a 'schedule' but I say that loosely. I would meet deadlines and make sure things were taken care of, but I was lacking the discipline to invest the time to move things forward, put myself out there, and expand my business in a manner that aligned with my vision. This obviously is deeply rooted in fear. I thought I was doing the work to address my fear and I was...just not enough work and not honest enough.

Well, thanks to CV, I had to face that fear. Not only did I have to put myself out there in a way that makes the introvert, behind the scenes, shy side scream but I had to think strategically about my businesses and look at the bigger picture. As a consultant and coach, I work with organizations and individuals in helping them develop a vision and determine the steps that need to be taken to make that vision a reality. I knew that I now needed to apply my own advice to myself. I needed to develop my vision and determine my steps- even if these steps meant I had to step outside of my norm and into a new normal.

If this CV has taught me anything, it's taught me that the normal that once was is no longer the normal that is. It's time to push past the old ways of doing things-the old habits, the old ways of thinking, the old way of being. CV is not coming for me but it is teaching me that there is no time like now to step into something new. 

Just checking in

Dear Loved Ones,

I hope you are safe, well, and managing this challenging time with some grace and peace. I debated writing because if your life has been anything like mine, you have been in a constant cycle of information consumption and may be at the point of information overload. Although I feel immense peace at this time, it is difficult to escape what is happening around us. 

My partner Naeem and I made the decision to drive from Houston to the DC-area late last week to be with his mom during this time. Although she is self-sufficient, we felt it was probably best to keep her company (and for some reason I hear my mom nagging the hell out of me to do it because that's what all good daughters do...hahaha). There's nothing more testing of one's love than being in a car for 22+ hours with a dog and not really able to get out and walk about freely. Alas, we made it intact and have been hunkering down and enjoying this time together.

During these crazy times, I can't help but reflect on all that life has taught me that is now coming in handy. For example...

• Growing up in and out of poverty, I learned early how to call a creditor and let them know "I don't have it", "I need a payment plan" and "It's fine if you cut me off, there are other options"

     or....

• While in Peace Corps, I learned how to be alone for long stretches of time with nothing but pen, paper, and random books. I do remember a time I created puppets out of clothespins and put on a full production solo- it could have won an award because it was that good or I was that bored...

     or...

• the time when I spent the summer in South Sudan and ate for about 6 weeks straight rice and beans and beans and rice-so many combinations can be made with those 2 simple ingredients. 

...and the list continues. These experiences, were unpleasant, challenging, and at times made me question myself and my ability to survive. Surprisingly, I survived and as a result of those not so nice experiences I feel confident moving through this not so nice experience with more confidence and calm that this too will pass, I too will survive, and one day I will use the lessons from this experience to improve, manage, navigate a future experience (hopefully one more pleasant like childbirth).

I'm not writing to diminish the feelings of anxiety, frustration, sadness, etc that you may be feeling. Those are real, they need to be felt, and there is nothing wrong with not looking at this from a Polly Positive perspective. I am writing to let you know that even though this situation is uncertain, in this moment you are okay. You are reading this (hopefully with a slight smile) and you are okay. And it is my hope that as you continue moving through your day and the days that follow, that you remind yourself in those small moments that you are okay. You will survive, you will be better because of this. And if you have a hard time seeing that feel free to reach out- I am more than happy to be your Polly Positive when needed. For an extra boost I suggest this online sermon or this uplifting playlist.

Many prayers for your health and wellness. 

xo

Lessons in Love

When my mom first got sick, she was put under heavy sedation resulting in her being in a coma-like state for a few days. When she finally came to, we had a conversation about the state of her affairs- I listed all the things that had been taken care of or were being taken care of. She looked at me and asks "Who is going to take care of you?" Not really having an answer because I really didn't know, I just asked that when she got to heaven to nudge my husband in my direction because I was having no luck.

A couple weeks after burying my mom, I am getting back in the swing of things and re-connected with a man I had met years before (his recollection is I ghosted him, I believe that to be fake news😂). Our story, I feel is special, but perhaps not spectacular to others and even though this post is about love it's not particularly about our love story. It's about what I have learned in loving him. 

First, before I get to the things that I have found that has allowed our relationship to progress to this point, I want to share what I have learned about myself. 

**************

1) I am not a morning person, despite trying to convince myself for years that I am. That is a lie. I know it's a lie because my love wakes up early as hell with a certain spring in his step that I just can't understand. 

2) Listening is really hard and when I feel wronged or that I am right, my ability to listen diminishes significantly. Learning to listen has been a struggle but it has allowed for me to better understand his position resulting in a more compromised solution. 

3) I am OCD clean. I blame my mom. I'm pretty sure if I had a hand vac I would walk around with it. On the other hand, I have learned to live with the trail of socks he leaves behind after a long day. 

4) Despite my belief that I flow with life and live with endless faith, being with him has shown that there is layers to this living with faith thing. His faith is something I admire and am able to lean on when my own is waning. You really don't know that you lack faith until you meet someone who truly gives it to God. 

5) I am rather uptight. Again, I like to think that I go with the flow, but really my go with the flow is according to the calendar I have created. I'm in recovery. He on the other hand, flows so hard he can make a river jealous. 

I'm sure I could go on because I have learned so much but I think the biggest thing that I learned is what I want my relationship to entail. He may say I thought too much into this and we just go together like peanut butter and jelly, but I have to understand the why. I believe the why of why we work stems down to Peace, Purpose, and Partnership. 

If anyone comes to our home, you will probably notice that we are chill. Like really chill. Given the work that we do and the purpose that we have in life, keeping our home peaceful, a sanctuary, is essential for going out each day and doing what we do. We work towards maintaining peace so that we can be our best selves. Maintaining peace comes with a whole lot of patience, communication, forgiveness and understanding. Having a 2 bedroom doesn't hurt either. 

In the past I dated people who couldn't understand my purpose. I was put here to serve others and in serving others, I may spend a whole Saturday away facilitating groups or having evening calls with clients. He on the other hand, gives of himself so much to the students he serves daily. Working in the mental health space is no easy feat and it takes a special person to take on the challenges/issues of others. Understanding what he gives, understanding this to be his purpose, has kept me from getting upset when he comes home exhausted and doesn't want to talk. It gets me up in the early hours to say a prayer with him, get his lunch out, or to make sure he has what he needs for the day to do what he does. Having someone who understands your purpose is a game changer and not only understand but support it. 

Pretty much since the beginning, I have referred to him as my partner. It comes more naturally than boyfriend and feels more defining of what we have. We have a partnership. We do life together and do life together in way where we work together. Power dynamics have no place here, we want to see each other win and will do what we can to ensure that. We aren't worried about who's bringing the bread because we are eating regardless. Having a partner and being in a partnership has created a space for us to make a cross country move, for me to start a business, and for us to lovingly care for our dog Benny. Teamwork really does make the dream work. 

I have learned a lot in our 2.5 year journey together and I look forward to learning more. Although we don't celebrate Valentine's Day, it is my wish that anyone reading this feels, finds, and knows that they are loved. 💕

• 
  

Speak it into existence

If you asked me 10 years ago to speak something into existence my first question would have been "what am I speaking?" and the next question would be "how is speaking going to bring in it?" This phrase "Speak it into existence" is one of the many buzzwords I see flying across my social media feeds as more people are recognizing the importance of aligning your thoughts with your desires and are being more mindful of how thoughts can impact the way you experience things. Although I love the idea of mindfulness and thinking things into existence, I am also a realist and have to share that every time I see or hear this phrase I have the desire to follow up and say "and do the work to make it happen." A dream is a dream until you do the work needed to make it a reality. And honestly, I feel the last part is lost on people. I wish I could speak things into existence and they magically happen with no work on my part...that 10 lbs would be gone, that student loan debt forgiven, i'd be retired on a beach...you get it. 

This post is not to complain about all the those speakers but really to look at why we choose to speak and not act or to not speak at all. I know for myself, fear plays a big role in the reason why I don't speak or don't act. A fear that if I share what I truly desire it would be looked upon negatively, seen as unrealistic, and/or having to defend my vision to naysayers or those that lack the ability to dream themselves. I don't act because the idea of failing or not living up to what I "spoke" into existence and having to save face to those I so boldly declared my dreams to is not appealing. Fear is crippling y'all but a dream denied is equally crippling. So what now?

I have learned that you have to find those that you can speak things to and trust that they will not only support your dream, they will speak love and support into it as well. I have found it important to find those folks that are going to encourage the dream no matter how outrageous because they believe that you can do anything. Find the people that are going to hold you accountable and find the people that move with you if decide to change that dream. Find the people that lift you up, remind you of your greatness, and help you see your dream when clouds may get in the way. Beside finding your folks, I think it's equally important to ready yourself for the work to make it happen. Don't speak unless you're ready to act.