When my mom first got sick, she was put under heavy sedation resulting in her being in a coma-like state for a few days. When she finally came to, we had a conversation about the state of her affairs- I listed all the things that had been taken care of or were being taken care of. She looked at me and asks "Who is going to take care of you?" Not really having an answer because I really didn't know, I just asked that when she got to heaven to nudge my husband in my direction because I was having no luck.
A couple weeks after burying my mom, I am getting back in the swing of things and re-connected with a man I had met years before (his recollection is I ghosted him, I believe that to be fake news😂). Our story, I feel is special, but perhaps not spectacular to others and even though this post is about love it's not particularly about our love story. It's about what I have learned in loving him.
First, before I get to the things that I have found that has allowed our relationship to progress to this point, I want to share what I have learned about myself.
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1) I am not a morning person, despite trying to convince myself for years that I am. That is a lie. I know it's a lie because my love wakes up early as hell with a certain spring in his step that I just can't understand.
2) Listening is really hard and when I feel wronged or that I am right, my ability to listen diminishes significantly. Learning to listen has been a struggle but it has allowed for me to better understand his position resulting in a more compromised solution.
3) I am OCD clean. I blame my mom. I'm pretty sure if I had a hand vac I would walk around with it. On the other hand, I have learned to live with the trail of socks he leaves behind after a long day.
4) Despite my belief that I flow with life and live with endless faith, being with him has shown that there is layers to this living with faith thing. His faith is something I admire and am able to lean on when my own is waning. You really don't know that you lack faith until you meet someone who truly gives it to God.
5) I am rather uptight. Again, I like to think that I go with the flow, but really my go with the flow is according to the calendar I have created. I'm in recovery. He on the other hand, flows so hard he can make a river jealous.
I'm sure I could go on because I have learned so much but I think the biggest thing that I learned is what I want my relationship to entail. He may say I thought too much into this and we just go together like peanut butter and jelly, but I have to understand the why. I believe the why of why we work stems down to Peace, Purpose, and Partnership.
If anyone comes to our home, you will probably notice that we are chill. Like really chill. Given the work that we do and the purpose that we have in life, keeping our home peaceful, a sanctuary, is essential for going out each day and doing what we do. We work towards maintaining peace so that we can be our best selves. Maintaining peace comes with a whole lot of patience, communication, forgiveness and understanding. Having a 2 bedroom doesn't hurt either.
In the past I dated people who couldn't understand my purpose. I was put here to serve others and in serving others, I may spend a whole Saturday away facilitating groups or having evening calls with clients. He on the other hand, gives of himself so much to the students he serves daily. Working in the mental health space is no easy feat and it takes a special person to take on the challenges/issues of others. Understanding what he gives, understanding this to be his purpose, has kept me from getting upset when he comes home exhausted and doesn't want to talk. It gets me up in the early hours to say a prayer with him, get his lunch out, or to make sure he has what he needs for the day to do what he does. Having someone who understands your purpose is a game changer and not only understand but support it.
Pretty much since the beginning, I have referred to him as my partner. It comes more naturally than boyfriend and feels more defining of what we have. We have a partnership. We do life together and do life together in way where we work together. Power dynamics have no place here, we want to see each other win and will do what we can to ensure that. We aren't worried about who's bringing the bread because we are eating regardless. Having a partner and being in a partnership has created a space for us to make a cross country move, for me to start a business, and for us to lovingly care for our dog Benny. Teamwork really does make the dream work.
I have learned a lot in our 2.5 year journey together and I look forward to learning more. Although we don't celebrate Valentine's Day, it is my wish that anyone reading this feels, finds, and knows that they are loved. 💕