Stamina

Stamina (n) 'The ability to sustain prolonged physical or mental effort'

Messages come to me when I meditate. Today during meditation the word 'stamina' came up. It's not a regular part of my vocabulary and it's not something I think about often so when it came up I had to make time to reflect on what message this word was bringing to me. 

In less than a year I started 2 businesses. These businesses have been in the making for years and 2019 and 2020 were the years that I was blessed to birth them. It took me 8 years to bring my first business to fruition and 4 years to bring the second. In the 3 weeks since Corona lockdown began, I had to convince myself multiple times that what I chose to do was not a wrong decision. I had to convince myself that leaving my "secure" job to follow my calling was not a wrong decision and that launching a second business at the start of a global pandemic wasn't wrong either. My ego was telling me otherwise. 

The ego is tricky. It will have you believing half-truths and false realities to keep you from living your best life. My ego kept me from pursuing my passion and purpose 8 years ago. It also has kept me from fully embracing this entrepreneurial life I have now. Silencing the ego requires work. Consistent work. I have to work my thoughts in a way to counteract the thoughts produced by the ego. One slip up can send me over the edge in the wrong direction. 

Like many other small business owners, I had to pivot my priorities to better align with the needs of my clients and potential clients at this time. I have also realized that in my pivot, I could have easily caught myself up in the frenzy of taking advantage of this period to prematurely launch products, services, and information in order to capitalize on the moment. I chose not to because I believe in sustainability and I believe in self-care. I remind myself constantly that I am in this game for the long haul and there is no need to scale up or out before it's time. I have also watched other small business owners who chose to scale up to match the moment burn themselves out resulting in lost detail in their delivery and increasing apathy towards a business that was once a passion. 

Thinking of longevity business-wise has allowed for me to think about longevity personally. Our days aren't guaranteed but I refuse to allow those posts saying I need to come out of quarantine with new skills, hobbies, or I wasted this time from influencing my thought process. I refuse to let quarantine rush any aspect of my life. This is a marathon and not a sprint and rather fuel false starts and dead ends I plan to remain committed to my path, my process, and my timeline. 

Unsubscribe.

My partner is a knowledge consumer. He is constantly taking in information to learn about what's happening in the world around him. Unfortunately, when Corona Virus began to take flight, his knowledge consumption was right there with it. His constant watching and listening of the news was overwhelming. I'm not a big news person and watched it maybe 1-2 times a week prior to Corona. Within the first few days of the Corona Virus outbreak in the US, I felt like I was in a non-stop news cycle listening to the doom and gloom this virus brought. Although I like to be informed, I prefer to protect my spirit and the fear inciting news casts were not conducive to me upholding my personal peace. The more he consumed the more I leaned into my peace practice, negating fear-based thoughts with thoughts of protection and optimism. I know spiritually and energetically that this shift is much needed and although it's making us uncomfortable, the discomfort will hopefully create a new comfort for all.

Now that all sounds great on the surface but subconsciously and now consciously I recognize the experiences of those suffering from CV are similar to the experience my mom had when she was first diagnosed with lung cancer. Listening to the news stories of people on ventilators triggered the trauma I experienced with my mom's illness. It was on April 3rd, 2017 that I drove my mom to the ER when she had been having trouble breathing. It was late on April 3rd, 2017 when the doctors told me of my mom's diagnosis and it was early in the morning on April 4th, 2017 when they admitted my mom to the ICU, heavily sedated her, and connected her to a ventilator due to the massive tumor that collapsed her right lung. It was a few days later when the doctors explained that if she does not come off of the ventilator she runs the risk of developing pneumonia and other bacteria infections that could be deadly. I was informed that ventilators are not meant for long term use and if she is not successfully weaned off of hers, then we would need to make some hard decisions. Thankfully my mom wasn't having that and after a few tests with a bomb Respiratory Therapist she was breathing on her own with the help of oxygen (CPAP) machine. Having experienced this and knowing the shortcomings of a ventilator, it makes it difficult to hear about all the individuals on or in need of ventilators. My empathic nature just gets overwhelmed feeling what these individuals are going through and repeating the feelings that I went through with my mom. Being conscious of my own triggers and having to work through the emotions as a result, I know that unsubscribing to the constant news updates is imperative to maintaining my emotional health. I also know, that unsubscribing to other triggering messages, you know, the ones that are telling you that you are not doing enough, changing enough, or being enough, the messages that swarm our social media is in my case, the best thing I can do for myself. I remind myself daily that simply being me is enough and that this time is meant to be reflective and still and there's nothing I need to do other than being present and making most of the moments I have.

...And now that we are a few weeks into quarantine I am happy to share that my partner is no longer a news addict. He's beginning to recognize that the news is repeating the same fear based message only with larger numbers.

Is Corona coming for me?

Not in the physical sense of course. I would never wish that on anyone let alone myself. But I do feel like the CV is exposing some things and forcing me to look at others that I had been putting off, making excuses about, or simply ignoring. I am fully aware that this virus was not constructed solely to point out my shortcomings, but I can't help but feel that it's a personal attack exposing my complacency and at times lack of discipline.

I'm a Type A person. I like order, I like knowing, I like being prepared for whatever is coming my way. I love a good schedule and always tell myself that I have to create one. Since becoming self-employed, I have been creating a 'schedule' but I say that loosely. I would meet deadlines and make sure things were taken care of, but I was lacking the discipline to invest the time to move things forward, put myself out there, and expand my business in a manner that aligned with my vision. This obviously is deeply rooted in fear. I thought I was doing the work to address my fear and I was...just not enough work and not honest enough.

Well, thanks to CV, I had to face that fear. Not only did I have to put myself out there in a way that makes the introvert, behind the scenes, shy side scream but I had to think strategically about my businesses and look at the bigger picture. As a consultant and coach, I work with organizations and individuals in helping them develop a vision and determine the steps that need to be taken to make that vision a reality. I knew that I now needed to apply my own advice to myself. I needed to develop my vision and determine my steps- even if these steps meant I had to step outside of my norm and into a new normal.

If this CV has taught me anything, it's taught me that the normal that once was is no longer the normal that is. It's time to push past the old ways of doing things-the old habits, the old ways of thinking, the old way of being. CV is not coming for me but it is teaching me that there is no time like now to step into something new.