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My partner is a knowledge consumer. He is constantly taking in information to learn about what's happening in the world around him. Unfortunately, when Corona Virus began to take flight, his knowledge consumption was right there with it. His constant watching and listening of the news was overwhelming. I'm not a big news person and watched it maybe 1-2 times a week prior to Corona. Within the first few days of the Corona Virus outbreak in the US, I felt like I was in a non-stop news cycle listening to the doom and gloom this virus brought. Although I like to be informed, I prefer to protect my spirit and the fear inciting news casts were not conducive to me upholding my personal peace. The more he consumed the more I leaned into my peace practice, negating fear-based thoughts with thoughts of protection and optimism. I know spiritually and energetically that this shift is much needed and although it's making us uncomfortable, the discomfort will hopefully create a new comfort for all.

Now that all sounds great on the surface but subconsciously and now consciously I recognize the experiences of those suffering from CV are similar to the experience my mom had when she was first diagnosed with lung cancer. Listening to the news stories of people on ventilators triggered the trauma I experienced with my mom's illness. It was on April 3rd, 2017 that I drove my mom to the ER when she had been having trouble breathing. It was late on April 3rd, 2017 when the doctors told me of my mom's diagnosis and it was early in the morning on April 4th, 2017 when they admitted my mom to the ICU, heavily sedated her, and connected her to a ventilator due to the massive tumor that collapsed her right lung. It was a few days later when the doctors explained that if she does not come off of the ventilator she runs the risk of developing pneumonia and other bacteria infections that could be deadly. I was informed that ventilators are not meant for long term use and if she is not successfully weaned off of hers, then we would need to make some hard decisions. Thankfully my mom wasn't having that and after a few tests with a bomb Respiratory Therapist she was breathing on her own with the help of oxygen (CPAP) machine. Having experienced this and knowing the shortcomings of a ventilator, it makes it difficult to hear about all the individuals on or in need of ventilators. My empathic nature just gets overwhelmed feeling what these individuals are going through and repeating the feelings that I went through with my mom. Being conscious of my own triggers and having to work through the emotions as a result, I know that unsubscribing to the constant news updates is imperative to maintaining my emotional health. I also know, that unsubscribing to other triggering messages, you know, the ones that are telling you that you are not doing enough, changing enough, or being enough, the messages that swarm our social media is in my case, the best thing I can do for myself. I remind myself daily that simply being me is enough and that this time is meant to be reflective and still and there's nothing I need to do other than being present and making most of the moments I have.

...And now that we are a few weeks into quarantine I am happy to share that my partner is no longer a news addict. He's beginning to recognize that the news is repeating the same fear based message only with larger numbers.

Is Corona coming for me?

Not in the physical sense of course. I would never wish that on anyone let alone myself. But I do feel like the CV is exposing some things and forcing me to look at others that I had been putting off, making excuses about, or simply ignoring. I am fully aware that this virus was not constructed solely to point out my shortcomings, but I can't help but feel that it's a personal attack exposing my complacency and at times lack of discipline.

I'm a Type A person. I like order, I like knowing, I like being prepared for whatever is coming my way. I love a good schedule and always tell myself that I have to create one. Since becoming self-employed, I have been creating a 'schedule' but I say that loosely. I would meet deadlines and make sure things were taken care of, but I was lacking the discipline to invest the time to move things forward, put myself out there, and expand my business in a manner that aligned with my vision. This obviously is deeply rooted in fear. I thought I was doing the work to address my fear and I was...just not enough work and not honest enough.

Well, thanks to CV, I had to face that fear. Not only did I have to put myself out there in a way that makes the introvert, behind the scenes, shy side scream but I had to think strategically about my businesses and look at the bigger picture. As a consultant and coach, I work with organizations and individuals in helping them develop a vision and determine the steps that need to be taken to make that vision a reality. I knew that I now needed to apply my own advice to myself. I needed to develop my vision and determine my steps- even if these steps meant I had to step outside of my norm and into a new normal.

If this CV has taught me anything, it's taught me that the normal that once was is no longer the normal that is. It's time to push past the old ways of doing things-the old habits, the old ways of thinking, the old way of being. CV is not coming for me but it is teaching me that there is no time like now to step into something new. 

Just checking in

Dear Loved Ones,

I hope you are safe, well, and managing this challenging time with some grace and peace. I debated writing because if your life has been anything like mine, you have been in a constant cycle of information consumption and may be at the point of information overload. Although I feel immense peace at this time, it is difficult to escape what is happening around us. 

My partner Naeem and I made the decision to drive from Houston to the DC-area late last week to be with his mom during this time. Although she is self-sufficient, we felt it was probably best to keep her company (and for some reason I hear my mom nagging the hell out of me to do it because that's what all good daughters do...hahaha). There's nothing more testing of one's love than being in a car for 22+ hours with a dog and not really able to get out and walk about freely. Alas, we made it intact and have been hunkering down and enjoying this time together.

During these crazy times, I can't help but reflect on all that life has taught me that is now coming in handy. For example...

• Growing up in and out of poverty, I learned early how to call a creditor and let them know "I don't have it", "I need a payment plan" and "It's fine if you cut me off, there are other options"

     or....

• While in Peace Corps, I learned how to be alone for long stretches of time with nothing but pen, paper, and random books. I do remember a time I created puppets out of clothespins and put on a full production solo- it could have won an award because it was that good or I was that bored...

     or...

• the time when I spent the summer in South Sudan and ate for about 6 weeks straight rice and beans and beans and rice-so many combinations can be made with those 2 simple ingredients. 

...and the list continues. These experiences, were unpleasant, challenging, and at times made me question myself and my ability to survive. Surprisingly, I survived and as a result of those not so nice experiences I feel confident moving through this not so nice experience with more confidence and calm that this too will pass, I too will survive, and one day I will use the lessons from this experience to improve, manage, navigate a future experience (hopefully one more pleasant like childbirth).

I'm not writing to diminish the feelings of anxiety, frustration, sadness, etc that you may be feeling. Those are real, they need to be felt, and there is nothing wrong with not looking at this from a Polly Positive perspective. I am writing to let you know that even though this situation is uncertain, in this moment you are okay. You are reading this (hopefully with a slight smile) and you are okay. And it is my hope that as you continue moving through your day and the days that follow, that you remind yourself in those small moments that you are okay. You will survive, you will be better because of this. And if you have a hard time seeing that feel free to reach out- I am more than happy to be your Polly Positive when needed. For an extra boost I suggest this online sermon or this uplifting playlist.

Many prayers for your health and wellness. 

xo