Is Corona coming for me?

Not in the physical sense of course. I would never wish that on anyone let alone myself. But I do feel like the CV is exposing some things and forcing me to look at others that I had been putting off, making excuses about, or simply ignoring. I am fully aware that this virus was not constructed solely to point out my shortcomings, but I can't help but feel that it's a personal attack exposing my complacency and at times lack of discipline.

I'm a Type A person. I like order, I like knowing, I like being prepared for whatever is coming my way. I love a good schedule and always tell myself that I have to create one. Since becoming self-employed, I have been creating a 'schedule' but I say that loosely. I would meet deadlines and make sure things were taken care of, but I was lacking the discipline to invest the time to move things forward, put myself out there, and expand my business in a manner that aligned with my vision. This obviously is deeply rooted in fear. I thought I was doing the work to address my fear and I was...just not enough work and not honest enough.

Well, thanks to CV, I had to face that fear. Not only did I have to put myself out there in a way that makes the introvert, behind the scenes, shy side scream but I had to think strategically about my businesses and look at the bigger picture. As a consultant and coach, I work with organizations and individuals in helping them develop a vision and determine the steps that need to be taken to make that vision a reality. I knew that I now needed to apply my own advice to myself. I needed to develop my vision and determine my steps- even if these steps meant I had to step outside of my norm and into a new normal.

If this CV has taught me anything, it's taught me that the normal that once was is no longer the normal that is. It's time to push past the old ways of doing things-the old habits, the old ways of thinking, the old way of being. CV is not coming for me but it is teaching me that there is no time like now to step into something new. 

Just checking in

Dear Loved Ones,

I hope you are safe, well, and managing this challenging time with some grace and peace. I debated writing because if your life has been anything like mine, you have been in a constant cycle of information consumption and may be at the point of information overload. Although I feel immense peace at this time, it is difficult to escape what is happening around us. 

My partner Naeem and I made the decision to drive from Houston to the DC-area late last week to be with his mom during this time. Although she is self-sufficient, we felt it was probably best to keep her company (and for some reason I hear my mom nagging the hell out of me to do it because that's what all good daughters do...hahaha). There's nothing more testing of one's love than being in a car for 22+ hours with a dog and not really able to get out and walk about freely. Alas, we made it intact and have been hunkering down and enjoying this time together.

During these crazy times, I can't help but reflect on all that life has taught me that is now coming in handy. For example...

• Growing up in and out of poverty, I learned early how to call a creditor and let them know "I don't have it", "I need a payment plan" and "It's fine if you cut me off, there are other options"

     or....

• While in Peace Corps, I learned how to be alone for long stretches of time with nothing but pen, paper, and random books. I do remember a time I created puppets out of clothespins and put on a full production solo- it could have won an award because it was that good or I was that bored...

     or...

• the time when I spent the summer in South Sudan and ate for about 6 weeks straight rice and beans and beans and rice-so many combinations can be made with those 2 simple ingredients. 

...and the list continues. These experiences, were unpleasant, challenging, and at times made me question myself and my ability to survive. Surprisingly, I survived and as a result of those not so nice experiences I feel confident moving through this not so nice experience with more confidence and calm that this too will pass, I too will survive, and one day I will use the lessons from this experience to improve, manage, navigate a future experience (hopefully one more pleasant like childbirth).

I'm not writing to diminish the feelings of anxiety, frustration, sadness, etc that you may be feeling. Those are real, they need to be felt, and there is nothing wrong with not looking at this from a Polly Positive perspective. I am writing to let you know that even though this situation is uncertain, in this moment you are okay. You are reading this (hopefully with a slight smile) and you are okay. And it is my hope that as you continue moving through your day and the days that follow, that you remind yourself in those small moments that you are okay. You will survive, you will be better because of this. And if you have a hard time seeing that feel free to reach out- I am more than happy to be your Polly Positive when needed. For an extra boost I suggest this online sermon or this uplifting playlist.

Many prayers for your health and wellness. 

xo

Lessons in Love

When my mom first got sick, she was put under heavy sedation resulting in her being in a coma-like state for a few days. When she finally came to, we had a conversation about the state of her affairs- I listed all the things that had been taken care of or were being taken care of. She looked at me and asks "Who is going to take care of you?" Not really having an answer because I really didn't know, I just asked that when she got to heaven to nudge my husband in my direction because I was having no luck.

A couple weeks after burying my mom, I am getting back in the swing of things and re-connected with a man I had met years before (his recollection is I ghosted him, I believe that to be fake news😂). Our story, I feel is special, but perhaps not spectacular to others and even though this post is about love it's not particularly about our love story. It's about what I have learned in loving him. 

First, before I get to the things that I have found that has allowed our relationship to progress to this point, I want to share what I have learned about myself. 

**************

1) I am not a morning person, despite trying to convince myself for years that I am. That is a lie. I know it's a lie because my love wakes up early as hell with a certain spring in his step that I just can't understand. 

2) Listening is really hard and when I feel wronged or that I am right, my ability to listen diminishes significantly. Learning to listen has been a struggle but it has allowed for me to better understand his position resulting in a more compromised solution. 

3) I am OCD clean. I blame my mom. I'm pretty sure if I had a hand vac I would walk around with it. On the other hand, I have learned to live with the trail of socks he leaves behind after a long day. 

4) Despite my belief that I flow with life and live with endless faith, being with him has shown that there is layers to this living with faith thing. His faith is something I admire and am able to lean on when my own is waning. You really don't know that you lack faith until you meet someone who truly gives it to God. 

5) I am rather uptight. Again, I like to think that I go with the flow, but really my go with the flow is according to the calendar I have created. I'm in recovery. He on the other hand, flows so hard he can make a river jealous. 

I'm sure I could go on because I have learned so much but I think the biggest thing that I learned is what I want my relationship to entail. He may say I thought too much into this and we just go together like peanut butter and jelly, but I have to understand the why. I believe the why of why we work stems down to Peace, Purpose, and Partnership. 

If anyone comes to our home, you will probably notice that we are chill. Like really chill. Given the work that we do and the purpose that we have in life, keeping our home peaceful, a sanctuary, is essential for going out each day and doing what we do. We work towards maintaining peace so that we can be our best selves. Maintaining peace comes with a whole lot of patience, communication, forgiveness and understanding. Having a 2 bedroom doesn't hurt either. 

In the past I dated people who couldn't understand my purpose. I was put here to serve others and in serving others, I may spend a whole Saturday away facilitating groups or having evening calls with clients. He on the other hand, gives of himself so much to the students he serves daily. Working in the mental health space is no easy feat and it takes a special person to take on the challenges/issues of others. Understanding what he gives, understanding this to be his purpose, has kept me from getting upset when he comes home exhausted and doesn't want to talk. It gets me up in the early hours to say a prayer with him, get his lunch out, or to make sure he has what he needs for the day to do what he does. Having someone who understands your purpose is a game changer and not only understand but support it. 

Pretty much since the beginning, I have referred to him as my partner. It comes more naturally than boyfriend and feels more defining of what we have. We have a partnership. We do life together and do life together in way where we work together. Power dynamics have no place here, we want to see each other win and will do what we can to ensure that. We aren't worried about who's bringing the bread because we are eating regardless. Having a partner and being in a partnership has created a space for us to make a cross country move, for me to start a business, and for us to lovingly care for our dog Benny. Teamwork really does make the dream work. 

I have learned a lot in our 2.5 year journey together and I look forward to learning more. Although we don't celebrate Valentine's Day, it is my wish that anyone reading this feels, finds, and knows that they are loved. 💕

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