Lessons in Love

When my mom first got sick, she was put under heavy sedation resulting in her being in a coma-like state for a few days. When she finally came to, we had a conversation about the state of her affairs- I listed all the things that had been taken care of or were being taken care of. She looked at me and asks "Who is going to take care of you?" Not really having an answer because I really didn't know, I just asked that when she got to heaven to nudge my husband in my direction because I was having no luck.

A couple weeks after burying my mom, I am getting back in the swing of things and re-connected with a man I had met years before (his recollection is I ghosted him, I believe that to be fake news😂). Our story, I feel is special, but perhaps not spectacular to others and even though this post is about love it's not particularly about our love story. It's about what I have learned in loving him. 

First, before I get to the things that I have found that has allowed our relationship to progress to this point, I want to share what I have learned about myself. 

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1) I am not a morning person, despite trying to convince myself for years that I am. That is a lie. I know it's a lie because my love wakes up early as hell with a certain spring in his step that I just can't understand. 

2) Listening is really hard and when I feel wronged or that I am right, my ability to listen diminishes significantly. Learning to listen has been a struggle but it has allowed for me to better understand his position resulting in a more compromised solution. 

3) I am OCD clean. I blame my mom. I'm pretty sure if I had a hand vac I would walk around with it. On the other hand, I have learned to live with the trail of socks he leaves behind after a long day. 

4) Despite my belief that I flow with life and live with endless faith, being with him has shown that there is layers to this living with faith thing. His faith is something I admire and am able to lean on when my own is waning. You really don't know that you lack faith until you meet someone who truly gives it to God. 

5) I am rather uptight. Again, I like to think that I go with the flow, but really my go with the flow is according to the calendar I have created. I'm in recovery. He on the other hand, flows so hard he can make a river jealous. 

I'm sure I could go on because I have learned so much but I think the biggest thing that I learned is what I want my relationship to entail. He may say I thought too much into this and we just go together like peanut butter and jelly, but I have to understand the why. I believe the why of why we work stems down to Peace, Purpose, and Partnership. 

If anyone comes to our home, you will probably notice that we are chill. Like really chill. Given the work that we do and the purpose that we have in life, keeping our home peaceful, a sanctuary, is essential for going out each day and doing what we do. We work towards maintaining peace so that we can be our best selves. Maintaining peace comes with a whole lot of patience, communication, forgiveness and understanding. Having a 2 bedroom doesn't hurt either. 

In the past I dated people who couldn't understand my purpose. I was put here to serve others and in serving others, I may spend a whole Saturday away facilitating groups or having evening calls with clients. He on the other hand, gives of himself so much to the students he serves daily. Working in the mental health space is no easy feat and it takes a special person to take on the challenges/issues of others. Understanding what he gives, understanding this to be his purpose, has kept me from getting upset when he comes home exhausted and doesn't want to talk. It gets me up in the early hours to say a prayer with him, get his lunch out, or to make sure he has what he needs for the day to do what he does. Having someone who understands your purpose is a game changer and not only understand but support it. 

Pretty much since the beginning, I have referred to him as my partner. It comes more naturally than boyfriend and feels more defining of what we have. We have a partnership. We do life together and do life together in way where we work together. Power dynamics have no place here, we want to see each other win and will do what we can to ensure that. We aren't worried about who's bringing the bread because we are eating regardless. Having a partner and being in a partnership has created a space for us to make a cross country move, for me to start a business, and for us to lovingly care for our dog Benny. Teamwork really does make the dream work. 

I have learned a lot in our 2.5 year journey together and I look forward to learning more. Although we don't celebrate Valentine's Day, it is my wish that anyone reading this feels, finds, and knows that they are loved. 💕

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Speak it into existence

If you asked me 10 years ago to speak something into existence my first question would have been "what am I speaking?" and the next question would be "how is speaking going to bring in it?" This phrase "Speak it into existence" is one of the many buzzwords I see flying across my social media feeds as more people are recognizing the importance of aligning your thoughts with your desires and are being more mindful of how thoughts can impact the way you experience things. Although I love the idea of mindfulness and thinking things into existence, I am also a realist and have to share that every time I see or hear this phrase I have the desire to follow up and say "and do the work to make it happen." A dream is a dream until you do the work needed to make it a reality. And honestly, I feel the last part is lost on people. I wish I could speak things into existence and they magically happen with no work on my part...that 10 lbs would be gone, that student loan debt forgiven, i'd be retired on a beach...you get it. 

This post is not to complain about all the those speakers but really to look at why we choose to speak and not act or to not speak at all. I know for myself, fear plays a big role in the reason why I don't speak or don't act. A fear that if I share what I truly desire it would be looked upon negatively, seen as unrealistic, and/or having to defend my vision to naysayers or those that lack the ability to dream themselves. I don't act because the idea of failing or not living up to what I "spoke" into existence and having to save face to those I so boldly declared my dreams to is not appealing. Fear is crippling y'all but a dream denied is equally crippling. So what now?

I have learned that you have to find those that you can speak things to and trust that they will not only support your dream, they will speak love and support into it as well. I have found it important to find those folks that are going to encourage the dream no matter how outrageous because they believe that you can do anything. Find the people that are going to hold you accountable and find the people that move with you if decide to change that dream. Find the people that lift you up, remind you of your greatness, and help you see your dream when clouds may get in the way. Beside finding your folks, I think it's equally important to ready yourself for the work to make it happen. Don't speak unless you're ready to act. 

Out with the old, in with the new...cheers to 2020!

We made it. My second favorite holiday (my birthday being the first) is upon us. I have been procrastinating in writing this blog because I couldn't quite figure out how to encompass in words the past year and the past decade. I think I can speak for the collective when I say that 2019 was challenging. For me, I had to face some hard truths about my truth, my purpose, and my desires for this life I have. I knew that if I did not make some changes, I would repeat the challenges I was dealing with but making those changes meant leaving a space of comfort. My dream, my purpose, was far greater than the space in which I was existing and existing in that space was exhausting me. This year was focused on stepping outside of my comfort zone so that I can step into my truth and find comfort.
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In reflecting on the past decade, the word that comes to mind is discovery. This decade focused on discovering the things I need to make the life I want. This decade was one big trial and error and from that trial and error I was able to discover the things that bring me peace and allow for a fulfilling life.
Through this decade I have learned the importance of the following:

1) Expressing Gratitude
Simple enough. Say thank you for the blessings that you have. We live in a society that makes us think we need to have more and as a result we don't appreciate what we have currently. From the people that uplift us to the pets that make us happy, the plants that bring us oxygen, the challenges that help us grow, the ability to wake up everyday and take a breath...all great reason to be grateful.

2) Finding what speaks to you spiritually
My spiritual practice is a work in progress. I know that belonging to a spiritual community has helped me in finding peace and to make sense of the world around me. I have found my spiritual community in different places from work to my yoga hOMe to my church. Find the people and practices that uplift, empower, and motivate you to be the best you that you can.

3) Letting go of grudges
I remember reading somewhere that when you hold onto anger or negative feelings, you are the only one that suffers. I believe that. If something bothers you enough to alter your mood, then speak on it, otherwise let it go. When people wrong you they are 9 times out of 10 not sitting somewhere reflecting on how they wronged you. They have moved on and so should you.

4) Being Intentional
Move with purpose and not purposeless. Live life on your terms.

5) Being present
I gave up social media on Sundays (baby steps!). I realized that I was spending more time on my phone then engaging the world around me. I also have realized how it feels when you are with someone who is in the their phone and not with you (i'm guilty of this!). At the beginning of the decade I had a basic Motorola (thanks Peace Corps) so I had no choice but to be present and my relationships were stronger because of it. Show up fully to those around you and yourself.

5) Releasing comparison
We have our own path and we arrive to our destinations at different times. Being a twin my whole life (a long time!) I never felt the need to compare. Not because one is better than the other but because our differences were celebrated. Grant it, he is a boy, but you get the point. I know that focusing more on my own path and not the path of others, I have felt more fulfilled.

6) Living with faith
In September I took a big leap. I left my well paying job to start my own business. Although the work of my business is important and aligned with my passion, I wanted to free up my time to walk in my purpose in service to others. I knew that if the spirit told me it's time, then it was time and that my needs would be met...and they have been.

7) Lifting as you climb
Mentorship is important. I received an award in 2010 and the theme of the award was "Lifting As You Climb" and I knew that my success would not have been possible without those that lifted me and because of this I do my best in helping the generation behind me. Mentorship is important y'all-reach back and reach up.

8) Knowing what is intended for you is yours, there is no competition
Somewhere in the middle of the decade I stopped competing. Not because I didn't feel that I was good enough but because I learned that what is for me, will be given to me...when I was ready to receive. So instead of trying to figure out ways to make myself better than the next, I focused on making myself ready to receive the blessings intended for me.

9) Living with grace
This is a recent lesson for me. I was always so hard on myself. Whether I didn't get the top grade or the promotion or lose the weight, I was unforgiving and harsh. I have recently learned to give myself grace when I fallen short knowing that next time I can do better.

10) Drink Water
It's good for you. #enoughsaid

As I prepare to enter 2020, the word that comes to mind is purpose. I know this year, this decade, is going to be focused on living with purpose. I am so excited for all that is going to manifest in the new year and beyond and look forward to sharing with you.

Be blessed, be purposeful, be grateful. Cheers to a new year!